Guess whose back! Yes that’s right Nix’s favourite guy in the whole world; the only man she can really trust and rely on, yours truly.
So I’m back and I’m here to talk about the lovely ladies of the world or as it has come to light the 'not so lovely ladies', in fact kinky, filthy slightly bored women of the world.
Now we all know about the biggest book in the UK, 50 Shades Of Grey, that god forsaken book that even the smell from its pages makes grown men all around the country (and even world) cringe and sweat with nervousness. But why do they cringe and sweat? Men believe this is the start of the end of their sex lives as women have apparently found a new pleasure that no mere mortal man can give her. The muscled, chiselled and handsome Christian Grey and a woman’s imagination. PAH!
For the men who think that, their sex lives were obviously over a long time ago. But me I feel I’m much better than this Mr. Grey and the ex’s would back me up. Before you ask yes, I have read the first book however I wouldn’t read the others unless I was stuck on a island on my own with no women around me for 10 years! Even then I don’t think I’d induce that pain on myself.
I’m not worried about my sex life, in fact I look forward to perhaps one night needing to dust off the whips and chains but until then I will keep on doing what I’m doing and enjoying the sight of a naked woman’s body wrapped round mine each night enjoying my company instead of feeling as if she wants a 20ft dildo up her vagina.
I just honestly do not get what is so exhilarating about this Christian.
“Hi my names.. (Ha! You aren't getting that out of me).. and I like to tie women up and fist them on a Friday night, along with spanking and other such sexual naughtiness.” Oh Wow that must mean along with my muscled body, well packaged longer region, dark hair and dark brown eyes (Yes those are all real descriptions of myself) that I now have the entire nation of women lusting after me? I wish. Fisting, spanking and roping each other up aren't anything new people, in fact I once read a book much more graphic then 50 Shades of bore and may I say that it worked even for me at midday on a sunny Monday. Now I'm not degrading the author (although by her books I'm pretty sure she would love it!) I’m simply saying you can’t replace having sex with a REAL handsome man who is exceptional in bed with having a dream about a guy who may or may not actually be real and wants to fist your ass. I'm not going to lie I have done it before, but like any decent gentleman who enjoys the antics of the bedroom I would do pretty much anything in the bedroom. Aside from having a group session or a threesome with another gent. That for me is a big no no, I'm crossing swords with no one! I should write a story about my old sex life it would make eyes water and apparently make me millions.
But I have met plenty of women who are shy but secretly love to be thrown around the bedroom and you eventually get it out of them and they have the time of their life. It’s nothing new, so if you want the sex you dream of put that bloody book down and get back to the real world. If you have a boyfriend ASK, if he says no tell him to man the fuck up and tell him you want him to show you what he’s made of. It maybe shit the first time but like a small puppy with training he will improve and become the full grown stud you've always dreamed of. People who find their sex life boring are either doing it wrong or have been doing the same thing for that long that rust may as well have taken over your bodies, switch it up, stick a ball gag in that mouth and think of England.
So ladies don’t let your man's membrane shrink at the sight of the book, chuck it on the floor and make your own real life version of 50 Shades, trust me it will be a whole lot better, plus the real life Christian Greys are weird little men who would probably end up taking it way too far. Just enjoy sex, that’s what it’s for, it doesn’t need to get weird so stop thinking you need to be beaten and tied up. Trust me.
From the only real gentleman left in London,
The Man About Town.