I have been pseudo psychologist to Nix for a while now. It started as random Skype chats, and has become a routine ritual whenever a date goes badly. I love Nix like the mad bag of crazy she is, and given that I have no desire at all to waft through her lady garden, I have the unique male perspective to see her for all her glorious beauty. During the course of these “sessions” I identified three classic male Archetypes (read Bastards) that sane, successful and educated women (such as Nix) seem to fall for time and again! With this in mind I thought it totes appropes to throw together a “Spotters Guide” to shed some light on these assholes, and hopefully allow you gorgeous goddesses to avoid them like the plague they are. Enjoy!
The Fisherman
Characteristics: Smooth, distant, over reliance on appearance, lack of empathy, Mother issues.
Style: Abercrombie & Fitch, Calvin Klein and Hackett.
The Fisherman is a classic male archetype. He is known to cast his net wide where there is little or no chance of his “catch” being associated. His main aim in life is to validate his lack of character by initiating a “catch and release” programme for his chosen prey. He will appear initially very alluring, almost flaunting his prowess at you until you take the bait. Once caught up in this man’s net he will feed you just enough charm to keep you hooked. Easily bored of his sport, the Fisherman will then throw back his catch…but leave them on a long lure to ensure that, when the mood strikes, he can reel them back in again with ease. Fishermen only ever settle down when their looks start to wane and they become desperate for a mate. Rest assured…once a Fisherman, always a Fisherman. Don’t ever be fooled into thinking you are special, unique or worth more to him than the rest of his pool of ladies.
The Emotional Vampire (EV)
Style: Borrowed and adapted for whomever they are feeding off.
Characteristics: Involved, attentive, seemingly engaged in your needs, quick to say he loves you, male equivalent of a “Drama Queen”, likely to be on Jeremy Kyle at some stage
The Emotional Vampire (or EV), is the quintessential over compensator. He stalks women who have more baggage than a long haul to Tokyo and exploits their vulnerability to feed his own emotional needs. If there is no baggage from the ladies then he will attempt to create some. Once he has latched onto a source he will bleed it for every last drop of drama he can, before moving on to the next host with his battle scars and tales of “the evil ex”. The more involved you become with the EV the harder it is to break the link. Many EVs have a litter of children that they have collected form each victim, thus ensuring his food source stays linked to him for years to come. The EV has one giveaway that separates him from a true man…he will self-efface and tell elaborate tales about his ex-girlfriends (plural), and how they all used him and how he is the victim, time and time and time again. He is quick to use the L word and almost immediately makes long term plans. Beware of this man. He will never be content in any relationship based on mutual respect.
The Slick Dick
Style: Bespoke, Tailored suits. Anything with a Label
Characteristics: Good job, money (and plenty of it), not the greatest looking…but endless charm and banter, either divorced or has had at least one very long term relationship.
Beware the charming man. The Slick Dick is not interested in marrying you. He is not interested in making an honest woman of you. You will merely be his plaything for as long as your tits point upwards. He will shower you with tokens and call you a pet name, because remembering your real one implies he gives a fuck. He will work everything to his schedule and never have time for any activity that implies you are an item. Many women fall for this guy’s charm under the impression that he is the “Mr Big” to their “Carrie”…all of these women are wrong. The Slick Dick knows the game better than you, has played it longer, and practically wrote the book on how to be a bastard. Any man that offers gifts over genuine affection is to be kept at arm’s length…or set up on a date with your best “Frenemy”. Not a decent long term prospect.
The One
Characteristics: Genuinely loves you.
That is all that needs to be said about “The One”. He has game and pretence and conceit and pride, yet all of this is put aside for the woman who will become his “Queen”. All men have a marriage meter ladies…and believe me when I say that they also have a biological clock. The difference between men and women is that while women lament and labour the arrival of The One, men simply expect it to happen eventually. A man will know within the first 15 minutes of a date whether or not he is going to marry you. If you make it to minute 16 and he’s still thinking about what your tits would look like on his face, then better luck next time. If you truly want to find this guy then the only advice I have is to be true to yourself. Don’t compromise your morals. Know who you are. Be honest with him at all times and never…NEVER…think that you are his superior.
So there you have it. Bastards are either keeping you as part of a larger pool, feeding off your fragility or using you as a plaything….but at least you know what to look for in the future!
